I just finished with some heavy duty reading--the first half of Pilgrim's Progress and a chapter in Living Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. There were some really good pages in Pilgrim's about faith when they were talking with Ignorance right near the end . I picked up Bonhoeffer where it started to get good and strike right at me regarding many many things dealing with Christian community. As a note, this book was given to Impact people to read over the summer. Think what you may and say what you will about all that. I find it interesting that this first chapter deals with community and that is something I have quite the opinion about, or at least the perspective of LU. I was reminded and I was forced to evaluate and think (Oh no!) I may have to reread it again and try to sort some more out. I wish I could publish some pages from this chapter to help you along.

One of the things was regarding human wish ideal versus Christ reality of community as presented in the word and God shattering the dreams of visionaries. Bonhoeffer began with how community of Christians is grace, a gift of God. than he got real deep with human versus spiritual desires of community. {grrr. don't you hate that feeling of wanting to say and speak and discuss something and the words just not coming as they did earlier when you didn't have access to a pen, or you couldn't type fast enough?!} One of the things I was reminded of is a thought that struck me some time ago--a couple of years--about how a Christian needs missionaries too. Encouragement, love, "constructive criticism", truth--they're still sinners. Other thoughts that overwhelmed me were evaluations of LU and thoughts towards the not so beloved admin and those who have felt personally a rejection (not coming up with a better word) of admin. Accusatory thoughts I had of them, but I was also forced to look at myself.

Oh yes, I remembered some thoughts I had earlier this week after watching the series finale of Touched by an Angel. One of the things Monica talked about was how Christ died on Friday (it's not so valid if he died on a thursday or whatever_ and rose on Sunday and inbetween was Saturday. Death came on one day and Life at the end but there was a day inbetween. Sort of like the Christian life--Salvation and than Gaining that Goal of Perfect Righteousness at the end, but there is the growing inbetween. That day of sadness but going on with life. That great inbetween time.

one postive thought I just had--I actually received some postive thoughts regarding a name I have for a daughter I wish to have, I hope to have as God wills. ooh, a good idea just hit me, at least for me. hmm. ...

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:56 AM 

 

   Well I'm happily back. Now I have to start cooking on that online class of mine since i have work due on Saturday midnight that I haven't started yet. And a mound of bills to figure out. books to read. a bed to sleep in. I'm just tired of school and everything. Two more years is starting to seem like a long time. I need something new.

I helped out at Undergrad tonite. During parts I contemplated changing my major from education to something else. But I reminded myself that I only have to deal with 20 or so teens at a time. Besides, I really don't know what I would change too.

Pilgrims Progress has been good thus far. My mind tends to wander sometime, but I go back and reread what I was distracted from. It has some good stuff, some interesting stuff. Email me, leave a comment, talk to me. I'm missing many of youse guys and gals a lot.

I really need to learn a little bit about contentment.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:07 AM 

 

   I'm getting restless. I'm ready to leave here but I'm not really looking forward to parts of going back to my summer abode. I have this longing for the life of perfection as I dream it. . . ain't happening anytime soon, anytime until Heaven really. I'm a terrible one for if's--if this or if that than I'd be happier or life would be better. blah blah blah. I just don't feel like I really have a home and I miss many of my friends who are not at LU for the summer. Much awaits me yes--an online class, a job starting Monday, a CPO full of bills but hopefully books too.

I guess I'm really just one who needs a little stress to keep me going, to give me drive and motivation. That's why I don't like the Lake City me, because I become a totally lazy, unmotivated, semi-depressed person within a week. Sure I have stuff to do, but I don't have to do anything. I hate being human sometimes.

To sum it up. I'm restless. I'm sure a mood change will be detected within a few days--I have as many strands of personality/moods as I do shades of hair. :-) As sorry for me as I feel, I still have this ray of hope that makes me smile. As the first five months of 2003--a year I felt would change my life upside down and totally surprise me, I wonder what the next seven months hold. It ain't over yet. Something big is yet to happen I think. I don't know whether good or bad, whether it be me soley or involves other people, where and what. God knows though.

Current Read: [u]Pilgrim's Progress[/u]

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:48 AM 

 

   it's been good to relax the last coupla days. my sister, bro in law, and nephew arrived yesterday along a friend of sisters from college and her friend. it was interesting to hear my sister and her college friend talk and relive college memories. Here they are, graduated and moved on to the world of jobs and family and I sit halfway through my college season. I wonder how often and how well I'll be able to keep in contact with college friends, what more memories we'll be laughing about in a few years.

I'm about ready to be back and undertake the more extreme world again of a full-time job. Every once in awhile I'll have small fears that I may not be able to make it but as I remind myself now, God is my strength and he will carry me through. I had some other interesting thoughts yesterday, but I have sadly forgotten them. Hopefully they'll come back and I'll get a chance to write them down. Until then.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:02 AM 

 

   wow. graduation was only twenty-two minutes long :-) it helps when one of the graduates gives the commencement address, thus the ceremony goes much faster. actually, our graduation speaker did the normal ten -fifteen minute bit, but he gave an excellent speech and i actually paid attention most of it. it was odd to sit down there and watch these people graduate, two years after i did. it was like when i went to LU's and i could only think two years forward to when I would be walking across a stage and receiving my diploma.

For other trips down memory lane, I spontaneously decided to go through all my old pictures and some stuff. It brought back floods of memories--some good, some bad. Through-out those years I held onto to so much of my past. I realized that I have let most of it go. It's hard to explain really . I also had a deep sense of appreciation about this last year, these last nine months really and a sense of patient anticipation for the future. Maybe it's because I finally gave up everything to God--more than I ever have before at least. I had no choice but to rely on him because I was so weak and tired, frustrated and sick. I cannot deny how much God has carried me through. I don't know why this heart stuff continues on--but I do know I have been learning and leaning. It might be the thorn in my flesh, it might be the only way I will stay close to God. I really don't know but I do know that everything will work out and I firmly believe God has promised me a life yet still to happen. I have that hope. In grimmer thoughts--well, not grim really but maybe a grim strange--somehow I have this feeling that I'm not going to be on this earth sixty years from now. I don't see myself living to be a grandparent. Maybe I just can't think that far ahead and I really don't know the future. It's just a really strange sense I have.

I reread some of the stuff we had to write in sixth grade and a dream resurfaced again, that dream of being an author one day.

I finished another book and watched the series finale of Touched by an Angel which my family recorded for me. :-) It was really really good. I was glad to have the fast forward and the two parts taped right next to each other. and they ended with my life verse, John 15:13. one of my prayers is that i live that verse out to the fullest.

my family probly thinks me rude. I never really participate in anything with cousins and aunts and uncles--I just like to hide reading a book because I get bored. I used to be really close and excited about family but I'm not anymore. although I am excited about seeing my sister and nephew tomorrow and visiting with them for a few days. It also makes me wonder what our family will be like in twenty something years--how close my siblings and I will be and how much contact we'll have. I value the ideas of extended family--but somehow I've lost touch with valuing my own. We've all grown apart. Of course, half of my cousins are all much older than me and than the others much younger. The cousin right with me in age (year younger) and I really lost contact once her parents divorced and I didn't get to see her much and I'm a lazy one for keeping in touch with people. It's something about myself that bothers me.

well I should probly ge some sleep so i can attempt staying awake in church and being prepared to talk to people about school and my health and all. gnite and happy tomorrow!

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:30 AM 

 

   first day of break is good.

i slept, watched tv, finished a book by john fischer and started another one by grace livingston hill, went to the post office, ran into one of the few cool people here and we watched "the Shop Around the Corner". Ate good leftovers. I hope I can cook real meals like my mom can. I was asking her how to make the chicken and rice casserole because it's simple and easy.

I forgot that I actually like this place in late May. Everything is opening up but it's still quiet in town--not many tourist buzzing about just yet. Everything is starting to turn green and there's still snow up high, river is running full. (we don't look to have a drought this summer! yay!) Everything changes so fast though as people try and make it and either don't or decide that living here isn't really worth the effort. and it's always interesting to catch up on local gossip--not sure if it is as bad as or worse than LU. worse.

i still hate the dial-up and not having real AIM--only Aim express in which I can't see when people are away and isn't smiley compatible. oh well. my younger brother graduates on the morrow. It's strange to think about my parents being empty-nesters in seven months and all of us grown up sort of.

and yeah, you're right yet again my friends out there who complained about my lack of capitalization. It does read better if I do it the right way.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:42 AM 

 

   ughhhhhhh. . . .but one day of traveling is much better than two.

my first interesting tibit came when going through security. i told them i had the heart monitor so i got to go through the full body check. but they were very nice and respectful about it--a female did and she told me what she was doing and didn't really invade my privacy. i met a nice old lady at the airport too who also happened to be traveling to CO springs and she bought me lunch while we waited at DFW. than we got on the plane for the second leg of the trip and i got some smiles --there was an older man and his cranky old mother behind me and than two boys right behind them. the boys were of course all excited and what not and chattering away. before we took off i hear a cranky "Shut-up!" during take-off she loudly asks twice if they have a parent to make them behave. (i wonder if they were kicking the seats but it didn't seem that way.) than later on towards the end I head something that ended with "you heathen". my dad hadn't made it to Sam's yet when I landed so i took advantage--not a whole lot really though seeing as how i didn't find a new backpack. the zippers are giving out again. I could just mail it to Jansport and get it fixed simply for the cost of shipping it there, but that is a hassle and this one isn't really big enough anymore. I did get a pocket knife though. I should be able to check it--if not, i'll find some other way of getting it back. i also discovered one of my bags zip tied. when i opened it after getting home i discovered the inspection notice. the five hour trip from CO springs was relatively uneventful. until we were a mile from the house and i was partially a wake. saw what looked like a massive dog about to cross in front of us (but the speed limit is 25 so we were going slow enough to stop) and it loped across the street turning out to be a young brown bear. i'd forgotten what all the stars looked like and the May beauty that exists in the mountains with the mixture of green and snow. still not regretting not coming back this summer--although my mother wants me to of course.

yesterday i found out it is easy to get a loan with good credit, at a much better interest rate than sitting on my credit card. i convinced my mom to wait on helping me pay it off real quick because I have a feeling the doctor might order a much much more expensive test when i go down june 30. i'll keep you updated on that and we'll see what happens over the next five weeks. i finished one class tuesday just to start another--he's already given us due dates on stuff two days after i get back but i haven't gotten my book yet. i think i can do the program without it though. it looks like plain review from CS2. *crosses fingers*

well i am tired now so i'll disappear for awhile. i might amble thru a few other places on the net first of course. . .but farewell, adieu, buenos noches, goodnight, happy dreams

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:36 AM 

 

   musings. . .

life had the internet ever been invented? would I have the friendships that I do? Where would I be? Why even bother wondering? What will it be that we can't imagine life without in ten years?

It's amazing how many people we come into contact with throughout life. To remember all those friends you had for that week of contact, but if you were a procrastinator like me, lost contact with. I like to wonder sometimes, right now I wonder where all those people are and how they are doing.

our God is really an amazing God.

in other news today: i finished my final after two hours of hand-cramping writing. blahhhhhh. but it's over and I think i did fairly well. I'm going to CO in two days for a week. I'd say home, but it really isn't home to me anymore. I don't know that it ever was. I really don't even feel like I have a home these days. LU is pretty close, but not totally.

I don't think they're liking what they're getting with my near daily EKG reports. I can hear in the tones when something isn't right because of the consistency or lack thereof. Both of the last nights they have had me do a current reading to make sure the heart is fine at that moment. It's good in that we're getting some symptoms with definite irregularities in the heartbeat--it might help us. But, For the longest time and even more so now I'm ready to go for the reduce stress diagnose and take it easy. I don't know what really can be done if there is something wrong. I'd rather go as far as I can without doing anything. I don't know anymore. God has seen me through a lot and continues to take care of me. Maybe it's all psychological.

I picked up some books from the library! Had to have some reading for the flight and during my wait at DFW inbetween flights. also for those days in CO when I'm not sleeping, eating, or doing other stuff. It's an eclectic sort with some oldies and some that look to be of the last century and even the last decade. I doubt I'll get them all read as the oldies usually take more time because I have to think more while reading but too much is better than too little. I still wish our library had a better assortment of newer stuff though. I don't know that there's much of anything from the last five years in there. well i think i have to go put some laundry in the dryer and I'm going to take a nap also.

have a wonderful day!

       <"Learning Teacher"> 2:31 PM 

 

   appears blogger and enetation are having issues again. anyways. long day and I'm sleepy. i still have a final ahead of me to do so i had better get some sleep and than I AM DONE with my first class!!!!! yays!

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:09 AM 

 

   so someone found this site in searching for evanescence and "e and pi relationships" and my visitors have come from Mexico, Ecuador, and Canada. This gostats thing is fun! maybe i'll post some again later tonight on my day in the school, but i have a paper to finish and a final tomorrow so later!

       <"Learning Teacher"> 3:35 PM 

 

   jsut because. . .

so we're having a bathroom conversation about optimism and pessimism and fun stuff like that. these aren't direct quotes but the meaning should come across

lisl: I'm a cynic about the world and an optimist about God.

amanda: ya know, pessimists always complain about optimists, but if optimists were pessimist too, than the pessimists wouldn't have anything to be mad about. and deep down, i believe that pessimists like optimists. ya know why? because I'm an optimist.

anna: I'm an optimist because the world is going to get what it deserves.

and i hope to remind myself of some of the random blogspot ideas that came to mind for the future. (ooh, i have that notepad list of ideas!)

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:49 AM 

 

   if you'll note, i added a gostats counter to may page because i thought that the stats from people who visited my site might be interesting to see. i guess i could have started the counter at something fun like 314 or whatnot, but eh, actually, i might go see about changing that. alright, so i'm crazy. that was fun to set up.

I'm over halfway through my paper that is due on tuesday. I'll finish it tomorrow and then study for the final after that (after I get out of school that is.) i was treated to a wonderful dinner at jalapeno tree tonight and also had a delightful lunch of spaghetti made by myself and other friends. i can't deny that i enjoy cooking. . .I miss it. oooh, it's midnight. i vowed that i would be in bed or VERY close to being in bed by 12:30.

i have an unspoken prayer request for a friend of mine. I cannot go into any details but just please keep the friend in your prayers, that my friend may be set free. It was definitely a God-night last night as I happened to be browsing some links that I came across through following other links. When I started talking to my friend, it was about the same stuff I was looking at. My friend couldn't seem to grasp how i could still be a friend and love even after all they admitted to me. It makes me sad that people undergo rejection by the church and other so-called Christians when they cry out for help and admit a struggle they are having. It really pisses me off and makes my heart ache. It might be cliche, but loving as Christians is very much about Hate the Sin and Love the Sinner.

I can't stand judmentalism. Sadly I am sure I fall prey to it myself--you are very much allowed to call me on it if I ever fall into that trap. Judgementalism accomplishes nothing, loving support accomplishes God's purposes. I might not tolerate certain sins but I will try and tolerate the person. Christ reached out to the "worst of sinners" such as tax-collectors when he walked this earth. I refuse to live in a bubble. LU is not a bubble. I don't care what people say. People are in just as much danger to Satan at LU as they are in the real world. People are still people at LU and no one is perfect. You can accuse me of growing up in a sheltered lifestyle but don't judge me because you don't know a whole lot about me or my growing up. Yes we have a lot of kids who were blessed to grow up in loving Christian homes or out on the mission field, but don't judge them as living in a bubble because of it. It seems that most of the students I talk to came to LU because of the education. I also came because the school is a school of Christians, I came because of the people, because I felt like I could belong. LU isn't free of drugs, isn't free of premarital sex, isn't free of divorce, isn't free of judgementalists, isn't free of Satan. I hear malicious talk behind people's backs and I hear people lie.

Maybe i just went off on a tirade for nothing. I really don't know, say what you want. I just really felt that need to go off. i seem to hear a lot of people judging others and than those victims judge right back. I did it back in high school when i was judged,; we carry so much of our backgrounds into our perceptions. It's so hard to know when to sit back and shut up and when to speak up. I don't see a lot of confronting in love any more. Maybe I'm too much of an idealist or an optimist. But i want to believe in the best of people, i know the worst is there too. eh, its 12:20 now so i'm going to walk away and go to sleep as i have to get up at a hateful hour and i actually have to put a little more prep into getting ready, have to look "professional". groan--make-up and uncomfortable shoes. alright, I'll quit complaining. . .I have to get used to it some time anyways. and i do have to admit that I feel differently when dressed up. . .hard to explain really and maybe a little crazy.

gnite ya'll and God bless.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:22 AM 

 

   i really should be in bed and asleep. i took a nap this afternoon. . .i really have to be careful about crashing downstairs in the lobby. and than again just a little while ago while chilling downstairs.

so this little black box thing makes annoying noises when i do hit the record button so i'm almost afraid to hit it when I'm in public. oh well, if i do i do. i'm glad it's fairly inconspicuous and look similar to a pager. i hate having to explain it because i'm willing to believe this is all just stress related and the doctor just wants to be safe.

watched matrix reloaded last night. . .pleasantly and horribly suprised at stuff. overall i enjoyed it though. it had some sweet scenes with cars and the directed the end in an interesting way. ooh. . pleasant happenings--i had to get a textbook so i went to half.com and i decided that while i was at it, i might as well look up chesteron and lewis. so i bought heretics/orthodoxy, the space trilogy, and the great divorce all for the same price of a text book i really didn't want. hopefully they won't take too long getting here.

class is almost over! monday we spend all day at a school (groans at thought of getting up hour earlier) and tuesday is the final which won't be too hard. i do have a 8-10 page paper and a fair bit of busy work to get done, but the busy work stuff will help me for the final. i'm so glad i took this as a two week--i would have been pulling hair with some of the stuff presented in the book and having to listen and learn it for like more than a month. it would also have been more busy work and scheduled as a 715. so i'm going to count my blessings with this. data structures. . i'll give you that review in july after 8 weeks of forcing myself not to procrastinate and not be a slacker as i can be with independent studies.

well the sleep is getting hard to resist. i could if i really wanted but i don't really want to.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 2:25 AM 

 

   well. hmm. just been filled with class, sleep, hw really. and getting out and about with friends. three more days of class left! yay! )that's the equivalent of having four weeks left :-p ) for interesting news i have heard who res life has placed with me in rooming next fall. i haven't talked to lily yet so i won't say too much more. please pray for some wisdom in it all. because i don't know what to do, if i can do anything. i saw the Matrix (first one) last night and was glad i did. the first time i saw i missed bits and pieces. i really enjoyed it this time through and i'll see Matrix Reloaded tonight. and until june 12 i have a little black box connected to recording my heartbeat when i tell it to. it'll be fun going through security with it. it is a medical device so i should be okay. i don't even want to know about the programming involved for it. i send the ekg over the phone--it emits tones that the computer on the other end will put into an EKG.

well. i'm sure i might post later after the movie or such. i'm going to go see if sandra is around and than go start a checking account here in town.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:17 PM 

 

   not the greatest of days today. . .first i'll complain. i slept badly after waking up with a nightmare like i haven't had in a really long time. hit my head two ore three times on the ceiling (which i hadn't done all week since living here). felt sick, sat through a long four hours of class. but then i slept for two hours this afternoon and went to Bible Study, where I was still in my sarcastic and selfish type mood (being sick and tired wreaks havoc on my attitude) and struggled the whole time. the weather was gorgeous today. but i came back and sat down and started to talking to people and doing hw. . .and somehow, maybe it was from starting to feel better and good music. . .i came back around to my normal self. i honestly don't have any right to complain. (so i complain about myself complaining. . .i hate this cycle) but it was strange at Bible Study. . .as we went into passages that I'd thought of and sought out over the last coupla weeks--like the woman and the alabaster (i looked more specifically for Mary and wiping Jesus's feet with her hair) or discussing Romans 8 and than we also talked about the disciples and how they all failed Jesus at the end. THere's much more I could say. . .but I just can't put it all into words, logically/coherently, (quiet you!).

strange. . .all my desktop icons appeared to have lost color. . . .

i don't know. i realize that in all honesty i have life easier than a whole lot of people I know. Yes I have my struggles and worries--but they don't really seem quite so big compared to others. I probly shouldn't be comparing myself to others I know. and I also know that there is no condemnation if we are in Christ. But two of my biggest weaknesses are stubborness and pride and those are big ones to fight on my own. I'm not on my own. grrrr. . .I'm going to bed now. my mind is amidst battle right now and another day beckons.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:17 AM 

 

   hmm. somehow i feel like i should post. that i'm not sleepy yet. i actually made it to church this morning: St Michael's. I was impressed. . .not sure totally how i feel but I may continue to go just because that's where my other friends this summer go (well maybe not just because) and I did enjoy the music and sermon. It'll take some getting used to, but i liked it, and It's a gorgeous church. It also appeal to my liking to sleep in somewhat as it's a late service. :-)

i enjoyed a good night hearing Bandits reminense (sp?) and than having fun with caleb with fast music :-p i found that i enjoy the supertones and superchicks a whole lot and will have to come up with more music.

there's a whole lot on my heart. consigning myself to some possibilities. God knows what's best and i won't continue to stop hoping and praying but getting used to things that could happen and dealing with the possibility helps me somehow. Weird I know and still doesn't take into account the suprises life throws at us. And there are other more immediate things I have to be on guard about anyways. I really shouldn't even mention this stuff when I remain intentionally vaugue. Oh wait, this is my blog and I can say what I want. Maybe not the greatest attitude to have, but eh. I've talked about that before. . just a couple of days ago.

Songs that hit me today: "Hold On To Jesus" & "Jury Duty" by the Supertones.

by the way, if anyone knows what that last line in the background is that gets repeated in Evanesences's "Whisper" on "Fallen", let me know. it sounds kind of latiny and it isn't included in the lyrics.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:05 AM 

 

   ok. my post of my productivity from this afternoon. . .you know me and education. anyways. . .skip to the next post if you want to read more about my life.

Piaget: “Learning cannot be forced before a child is ready.”

I sit here mulling on a response and wondering if I could see the rest of the context to it before I answer. I was about to disagree when some deeper thoughts related to God hit me and his being the Master Teacher and our Father—we, his children. I realize that Piaget may have been referring more to developmental stages and such, but these are my thoughts.

Various troubles and blessings come at different times for people, if ever. God sends them our way when he knows we our ready; he doesn’t present us anything that we can’t handle; there is always a way of escape provided from temptation. Yes we can get through anything on God’s strength, and we have access to the mind of Christ, but there is some mysterious aspect of “being ready” that relates to our understanding and grasp of whatever comes our way. We learn from everything around us; sometimes we don’t learn until we make a mistake and fall—even then it may be long after and many more stumblings after that we finally get it. There are also times when we need to learn other things first to be ready. One can’t learn how to run until they learn how to walk. Other times we have to know how to receive before we can give. We can’t learn how to lead until we know how to follow.

For another matter, I don’t know if learning is something that can really be forced by a human being, but rather by circumstances, or more appropriately, pushed into by God and even then it’s because he believes we are ready. Being ready also requires one more thing and that’s a willing spirit and heart for it’s in the heart that we store that which is precious, meaningful, of interest to us. We memorize with the brain but we learn with the heart.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:42 AM 

 

   well. last night was fun. . .saw boondock saints and than chilled down at quad 3, played poker and had some entertaining moments. a lucky low straight. . .that drat pair of threes and a queen that could have won the hand for me. . .:-) than i slept much wonderful sleep and finished a book this afternoon. did a little bit of education homework (posted above) tonight's fun was to go get some real dinner at Bodacious, than watch "The Replacement Killers" and than back down to Q3 where we played Risk. So I have the feeling I might be hanging around the same people all summer. . . .nah, it won't be too bad and I'm generally easy to entertain. My taste in movies is sort of eclectic i guess you could say. depends on who I'm watching it with too sometimes.

i'm struggling to trust God with the rooming stuff next fall. Apparently, word is that we are filled to capacity with females. Yeah, guys, I can hear your cheers. I just want my lily back. please God, please.

one thing that keeps coming back to me is how much trouble i have standing up for what i believe in, defending my opinions & beliefs. i could hazard some guesses why. . .maybe just the idea that it doesn't really matter or i'm just weird in my ways. . .or that i don't trust my ability to explain and argue. I guess it could get better with practice. i may have to. i still have these suspicions that i might be a loud advocate/activist in the education system.
.
.
.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:41 AM 

 

   my feelings for res life continue to go downward as they have placed some new student with me in the fall because my roomie hasn't been able to pay the stupid housing fee and such. hopefully sandra will hold off. that's a whole lot of hope. otherwise, when this newbie calls me, i'm going to have an interesting situation to explain about switching around in the fall. I'm going to be trusting God with a whole lot regarding this. . .I guess I'm supposed to be trusting God with everything though. and i still can't get in the outside doors to the stairwells or in the middle stairwell door to my floor. stupid i.d. cards.

God knows what is best and he will have his hand in everything. I know that, but I'm still angry with the way things are and "have to be". anyways, I'm going to go enjoy my Friday night.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 6:01 PM 

 

   three days of classes done. the equivalent of four weeks although it doesn't feel like it. it's different from what i expected and i'm enjoying it more than i thought. I'm feeling more and more pulled towards the direction of being an activist for education. but i don't know how or when or where--and especially, if I'll be able to have the life of being a wife and mom too. I guess God knows and he's controlling it. I'm struck more and more by the differences in passions among the people in my class and among the other people i know who are looking to become teachers. my other worry is that I'll be "too smart" for explaining things and always talk over their heads and that i won't be able to relate to those students it doens't come easy to or are terrible test-takers.

have had interesting thoughts on the idea of "motherly instincts" too. have a friend who claims that she worries about people who say they don't have "those motherly instincts" (specifically guys) who use it as an excuse not to go on mission trips and things. i'm not so sure i agree, and there are also "fatherly instincts" i believe. she told me "what about compassion? Christian instincts?" that's really had me thinking a little bit. Maybe I just have a different perspective as someone whose life has always been centered on working with kids. i was always the little nurse, the little mom, loved to babysit and work in the nursery. I guess i would define motherly instincts as the protectiveness, wanting to wipe away tears and help and teach. Fatherly instincts. . . hmm, can't say i really could define those. Christian instincts: that really got me thinking, and i'm reflecting on the ideas of the fruits of the spirit. as i think more (i probly should stop soon. . .) i remember that book i was required to read for FIne Arts--[u]The Prodigal Son[/u] in which the author Henri Nouwen talked about GOd being like the father and the mother, Christ being like the Son and such. I had problems comprehending God as a Mom, although I was able to accept the idea that God has motherly traits maybe. anyways, just some random thoughts that weren't really going anywhere.

I read Psalm 84 this morning or last night. . .some phrases caught my attentions like "strength to strength" and "the pilgrimage" and verse 3.

well that stupid fire alarm broke my good sleep last night/this morning, so i think i may either wander to the library and get some books or take a nap. maybe both. i think there's something i'm supposed to do not related to school or such, but i can't remember so must not be important. ya know if google comes up with stuff on my name, i wonder what would come up if i searched for other specific places and phrases that i've mentioned in my blog. . . sort of scary thought on how people could stumble across this.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:23 PM 

 

   interesting things found in google search for anna olson (this blog was 3rd)

food network, political graveyard, irish actors

search for anna banana
http://mypage.uniserve.ca/~sn0958/
http://www.bananamuseum.com/

banana pi (this gets 5th)

       <"Learning Teacher"> 10:56 AM 

 

   as i sit here attempting to be productive, i have to laugh at the stuff we're learning in this class because it directly feeds some of my passion for education although i think it might be having an effect opposite than intended. anyways. to give some of you some smiles: one of the requirements of this class is to write an 8-10 page paper on "My Philosophy of Education". the class is a lot of busy work, but i think some of the stuff i gather might be useful and interesting. it'll also keep me from being too lazy and getting bored and restless. i'm not one for being motivated by self all that well admittedly. i'm lazy.

oh and i highly recommend Nichole Nordeman's newest c.d. "Woven" . it has some great songs.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 6:46 PM 

 

   I'm sitting here mulling a letter i must write in support or opposition of Texas House Bill 318 which would let persons holding bachelors degrees in various subjects become certified to teach just by passing an examination in that subject, not even needing to take and pass the exam on pedagogy--how to teach. I think i mentioned something a few weeks ago on how well i could teach if i dropped out of school right now. actually, i worry sometims that I am too good at math and won't actually be able to teach it as well--I don't want to be classifed in the same category as some college professors are. Why should someone with a degree who hasn't been trained as a teacher and hasn't taken both the exams I will have to take to become certified be allowed to teach to fill a shortage? Will filling the shortage of teachers with possibly unqualified teachers really help? Is that fair to those of us who are learning how to teach along with pursuing that same bachelors degree? (hmm, this will help me write that letter (that's why I am blogging anyways)) Alternative certification programs do exist--the accelerated type where teachers are still required to be trained.

the politics of my future career are really discouraging. how many people in government really have experience with education other than what they have gone through? (and many of them grew up in rich, private schools i would bet). but i can't really imagine being in any other major, pursuing any other career than the one i am right now. maybe being a mom and "domestic homemaker" but i think God has made me for "more" than that.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 2:24 PM 

 

   a wonderful wonderful day. didn't sleep quite so long as i would have desired but oh well. i did read most of a fiction book--book 11 of left behind. poor writing but i have to finish the series. been too lazy to go to the library to get the good stuff (chesteron, lewis, ..., leave more suggestions in a comment) had dinner with friends. enjoying having a fridge in my room and being free from saga. my stomach is happy too. sadly class starts tomorrow at a very unhappy morning hour of 830. and my coffee times will begine with lisl. . .

again i begin to wonder if i might just create another blog for just me to have. of course, that is easy enough to do with notepad. :-) things bother me less when i share them with trusted people who understand. i know that God hears all of our prayers and knows what is on our hearts, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to be enough for me. i ask this so often: but why is it so hard to soley rely on and depend on God? actually, it just hit me. friends he gives us for sharing our heart with so that he can shine and speak to us through them sometimes. longings and desires really aren't bad, but we just can't let them rule our life and cause us to lose focus on he who fills every longing and desire.

oh fine. i might as well just come out and be a little more specific with one thing. for example, one of the constant struggles in my life is wishing, longing, desiring the days when there is a guy who is more special than just a brother friend to me. when i love him in that different way than i love my other guy friends. i'm not totally anti-schmoopy, it's just that when other people are all lovey dovey around me I am reminded that I am single and that longing comes back--that and some things are just more private to me. holding hands, arms around one another that's a fine enuf PDA, and maybe light and brief kisses and brief hugs--sure, i can live with that. it's the excessive stuff that grates on me and not just because i am "without". backing away from the rant though. . .john fischer had the right idea with "be happy with what you have right now--the gift of singlesness" but there come those days. i was doing really well until about spring break and than summer to thru november. but i am really struggling with being content right now and it's frustrating.

another things that bothers me--just a pet peeve along the same topic of PDA. when groups of friends go out and one single girl is treated a little more than just a friend than other single females who are also friends in the group. i really don't mind paying for myself, but when going out as a group of people somewhere and two people aren't explicitly dating, there shouldn't be special treatment--especially if you're supposed to be just friends.

i keep typing stuff for people who read this so that they don't get mad or start blaming or accusing me of anything. but i just really realize--this is my blog and i tend not to mention too many specific names, especially in connections with more "negative" stories. if something applies to a reader of this blog, than they can know it and ask me more specifically about it later. otherwise, i'm not adding "qualifiers". wasted space and this is my place. if you have problems with that, please see me and if you don't want your name mentioned anywhere and it is, let me know and i'll fix that.

this is my place to rant and share what i please. i don't want to offend anyone too much or people to get wrong ideas, but those who read this generally know me and what's going on. please, confront me when things i do or say bother you. i guess i should be better at that myself. and if you want clarification on something, it doesn't hurt too badly to ask me. if i answer vaguely than know that it isn't for you to know any more specifics than i give. there. that's all said now.

i don't feel like ranting or rambling any more now. i miss all of ya'll who aren't here at LU. the summer will be fun and an adventure, but i still will be highly excited when i see ya again in August.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 9:42 PM 

 

   ahhhh. . settled into a new home. yup, 3 John 2. trying to figure out how to safely set an alarm somewhere where i don't kill myself getting out of bed scrambling for it. . . ah, i spy some good homes. but sigh, more fun with plugging stuff in. maybe i'll get a smaller portable one from wal mart to go with my cell phone.

well, after graduation on saturday. . .dreaming about my own in two years. . .i went to my brothers and took a nap, did laundry and helped him clean the house. you want the eptiome of a bachelor pad and dirtiness. . .ewwwwk. it was terrible. but it looks great now. . .shop vac and mopping and wiping down later. he moved stuff and i cleaned. gee, i'm rambling. then we left for houston sunday and spent time with my grandpa--more nap time but didn't sleep well with older bro's snoring. and then to the dr in the morning. relatively uneventful. i quote the Dr "You're weird." to sum up, basically the Fellow ("almost doctor dude" my def.) says as he has said other times--reduce stress, stay well hydrated, i have a high vadal tone and more sucseptible to fainting like symptoms. than Dr Seger comes in and seeing i have a perfect, regular heartbeat (it won't beat irregularly when i'm in the office for some reason.) he does't like the inconsistency and there doesn't seem to be any cause for the electrical quirk in my heart with bloodwork and mri coming all clear. so now i get an event monitor where it'll record my heartbeat when i tell it i'm having an "episode/event" for the next month. *makes note to check with airline on security clearance on that. . .

i'm really ready, if i haven't alread, to accept this as a type of thorn and live with it. i really can't afford it although i know God will provide what I need. I don't have time and such either and hate making the trips to Houston. but I guess that's life. i'm trying to be thankful for it. . .or at least be thankful for the growing in God i've done in relying on his strength. I really wonder that I got through the last few months and some of those late nights writing papers and such. i also appreciate all the prayers from all over for me--family and friends. i have felt them.

well, i like the new room okay enough but i definitely won't be moving over here. i honestly prefer my elh room. sure this has a big bathroom, "moveable" furniture, floor length closets and lots of storage space. . .but i've gotten use to the white cinder blocks and room set up. just a few months.

i've begun to appreciate routine also. . .i was coming back from bible study tonight and had a short thought before remembering the semester was over that i wondered if the honors guys would be out discussing random things and planning a takeover of the world in the trinity courtyard after their class. or i'll think of the girls and spontaneous singing of praise songs. coffee every couple of mornings with jenny. friday night honors bible study and wondering what to make. saga discussions. tuesday/thursday coffee/chai times with jonathan and others. tuesday night class. good grief, i'm going to start getting a little teary eyed. . oh well, must make new memories and make sure to have fun times this summer! and we can start new regular random meetings in the fall ;) i'm missing everyone and keeping everyone in prayers and thoughts.

well i am sleepy. been long day and weekend. legs ache from moving stuff. let me know how ya'lls are doing that read this and aren't roaming thomas hall for the summer.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:03 AM 

 

   i do the very things i hate that other people do and i hate that i do them. need to reread that chapter in Romans. God's starting to remind me of some things. . .again. I guess he will be doing it all my life. it's a frustrating struggle. i guess life can't be easy though can it.

things i hate that i end up doing myself:

gossip--talking about other people unconstructively
backseat driving
judging
hitting other ppl
"my way is the right way" attitude

i'd better stop before i starting beating myself.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 3:07 AM 

 

   it feels like everyone should be here but they aren't. glad to be hearing that friends are arriving safely though. my roomie leaves in two hours, and i have my graduating friends who i won't see for quite a long time after tomorrow.

i got ponded tonight. but they did a poor job! i wasn't fully wet, which was actually a good thing because i didn't have time to take a shower before going to see X-2. i really should quit seeing sequels without seeing the first one--but i did enjoy the movie tonight and having good times with friends--dinner, marble slab twice, that fun stuff.

i really hate living out of a suitcase and box. oh well, it's only for a few days.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 2:05 AM 

 

   sometimes i miss my closet cove. that place where i used to go when i was in trouble or angry, hurt feelings and no one could find me. i used to have a sick childlike joy in knowing that i would freak my mom out because they couldn't find me and hadn't seem in for two hours but there were hours i would hide and no one would even notice i was gone.

that dark little cove, sometimes i would bring a flashlight with me and read a book. i could cry and no one would know. i've missed having a place i can go safely here. i haven't needed it as much, but i've missed it.

...

       <"Learning Teacher"> 5:59 PM 

 

   alright now. my room is now organized chaos and full of boxes and the smell of clean. i still have to clean in the area on my desk i have my computer, but obviously, right now I can't do that. well, maybe not so obviously. i miss the numbers around our room and our room is so echo-y now. i just now thought about ranting on other things (like the whole unlogic of rez life from my humble opinion with summer housing and other things) but oh well.

i'm looking forward to staying here this summer--i'll see more friends than i did last summer, i won't be in CO working for my parents and i can enjoy much sunshine and hopefully no drought; i'll also be in a job i'm pretty sure i can enjoy and of course, just 6 hours of classes versus 18. i'm going to miss everyone who is heading off in other directions though and i wish them all a safe and splendid summer and will be waiting to catch up with them next fall as we begin another round. for those who are not coming back: :'( May God bless you and continue to steer you so that he can be glorified through you: I wish you the best. You will be missed. ah rats, i'll blame the tears in my eyes on the strong bleach smell coming from our bathroom. no, it's honest tears of sadness--kind of selfish i guess in a way.

things i vow to do this summer:
read lots of books
see lots of movies
make a friend or two, deepen friendships i have
do a crafty thing or two
pay off medical bills
enjoy the outdoors; "exercise"
not lose contact with friends

i guess we'll see how well i did in august. . .and i may add some things later on. well, i can't think of anything else to say right now. maybe i'll get on later when i have my computer reconnected in here or when i get settled in to my new room--i have a dr appt on monday so i will be gone for two days, barring any car troubles that would make it longer.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 11:46 AM