so the last weekend of my second year at LU is coming to end. My room is now officially in the state of chaos as i empty and organize. i apologize to my roommate for me and stuff. it's been a good night but i'm afraid that things might end on the same depressing note as last year, but then somehow they won't. sigh. i'll just leave that at that.

why why why? grrrrr. don't tell me the answers i already know and have heard a million times. i just want to wallow in self-pity for a little bit. i shouldn't want this but i do. grrrrr. see, i know much but it doesn't mean i really want to accept it.

anyways.

as i was sorting through stuff and throwing unnecessary papers in a pile around my roomie's desk, i came across this. i'm trying to remember when i wrote and if i wrote it. I vaguely remember it--i think it may have been at a retreat my senior year. hold on. . .i know it's here somewhere. . .it's here somewhere. . i swear. . .i'm going to find this if it takes me . . . .aha!

From the inside out you change me
to the person you want me to be.
From the inside out you love me
showing what love can be.

Could you work a little faster,
change more of my outside please,
Cause Lord, I'm feeling lonely,
because I don't, they don't,
like me for me.

I want to be who you want me to be,
but I can't seem to like me.
FIll me, love me, be with me
From the inside out.

I had to have written that before LU, although, i might be wrong now that i reflect farther. maybe it really doens't matter when i wrote it! since most of you who read this didn't know me oh not so long ago but yet so far. . .I wasn't anywhere near popular in school and I had self-esteem problems. to put it in the clich'aic terms. I was too strange, too smart, too nerdy, too homely, too poor, too whatever. I struggled with what I saw in the mirror, still do sometimes to be honest. I've come a long way since then although i have my days of relapse. I'm only human. I really don't know why i even posted that. maybe i'm fishing ;-) There are other notes at the top of this paper and I'm really wishing I can remember the "context" because it was from a paper in my Bible that got placed in my storage box and there are notes that appear to be from a sermon or something. Here are the notes for pondering:

"To unconditionally love a human, you must unconditionally love God first."
"There are different types of love languages:
verbal, physical, personal attention {notes, eye contact}, acts of service, extended time--just be there"
"you give and expect to receive in each of these types of love"

just some of the ponderings of my mind. and I'm sorry that I don't capitalize and write correctly for those of you who might complain. It'll now be a bad habit to break whenever I'm writing electronically.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 2:48 AM 

 

   one more day of classes left. i'm two years from those pieces of paper that say i learned something and am qualified to teach. and as i think more about it, i reflect on the last two years and how much has happened, how much has changed, the relationships--old, new, seasonal, lasting still, and such and i wonder what my life will be like in two years. dreaming, hoping, praying.

i sort of know the answers to these questions i may ask. . .but i have to ask again sometimes. is what I'm wanting really in line with God's will? am I where he wants me to be or am I missing something? Do i still have that promise. . .or was that my crazy heart just coming up with something it wanted to hear? how do i know which of these voices is God? I usually go for the time test, but sometimes that isn't possible.

it's a dangerous place to be in as i was forced to remember a time a good few months ago. wanting something so much and not listening--or more, not accepting and following--the advice of friends who better understand, who are wiser, smarter. amazing how we can blind ourselves to the truth because we so badly want something and want to believe things are the way they appear, that we are just misperceiving things or it's illogical to follow our gut instinct. i told myself i had no regrets with regard to the first month or so after that specific incident. now i'm beginning to wonder if i did the right thing. i learned a lot from it and i was happy. it's in that past i tell myself now. why look back? why is it so hard to trust God?

i'm definitely looking forward to having a break and not going home for the whole summer, just that one week. i'm a different, more distant, selfish, lazy person at home. i cage myself in. and although i'll have to refrain from cursing the mornings as i wake up. . .at least i get to wake up and have coffee with some awesome women of God, deepen relationships and hopefully continue to grow in God, in learning, in life. Those encompass so much.

I look at some of the persons in the Bible and and their lives--they all have such different stories--Paul, Nehemiah, Jeremiah, Isaiah, Hosea, Ezra, Joshua, ... I wonder about them--and wonder about me.

God is still God and good and love and truth and everything I need. Many times I forget--in fact, more often than not. I cannot deny the blessings he has bestowed upon me or the hardships. I cannot deny the growing I have done. I cannot deny him and I cannot deny his control over my life and that I must trust him. Fighting myself might be the biggest and longest battle of my life.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:42 AM 

 

   another sign that i am a total nerd:

we learned about linear regression in linear algebra today. we learned the formulas that give us the exact numbers for slope and y-intercept. we also derived them and i actually agree with Dr Roden that the way that linear regression set up might not really be the most accurate. It sort of makes sense. . .I don't want to see the proof. . .but I am wondering if there might be a better way to get a "best-fit" linear line. maybe i'll play with it some time. in the same time that i am doing all the reading i want to do--i have a long list of books and authors to read. so much that i'd love to do, but so little time.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 8:31 PM 

 

   i was up until 4 last night writing english lit journals. but things are finally going away. I realize am lucky and that there are others who have so much more going on than me and i wish them God's strength through it because that is probably the only reason I have made it through this semester, through today.

sometimes i can't believe my mind--easily distracted yet i get lost in my own world. it's getting frustrating to have things sorted out in my head mostly but somehow get everything all muddled when i try to explain my ideas to other people--in writing or verbally. things almost always get implied that i didn't mean.

this has to be one of my favorite verses:
2 Corinthians 5:13 -->[i] If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you."[/i]

i guess sometimes i feel like i am out of my mind. . .in that world where it all makes sense to me if no one else and I generally have peace. grrr.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 8:28 PM 

 

   ya know. the glass is both half-empty and half-full.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 8:12 PM 

 

   hmmm. . .. it's been quite the day but than, i don't remember the last time i ever had a "normal" day or a "slow" day. normal does not exist at LU.

A prayer was answered in a huge way--loans for next year got chopped in half by a math scholarship. Congratulations to my other friends who received awards today too! (Jonathan our marketing major and his essay on why to come to LU. . . :p) (hey, that looks cool :p) ) (i guess that's why angle brackets and curly brackets and square brackets might be useful) this is good because half of the loans would have been unsubidized. i don't understand this whole unsubidized thing. it makes no sense. and yeah, many people have ranted on the whole FAFSA. if fafsa took into account medical bills. . . but God always provides as he showed me yet again today. hopefully he shows me again very soon when i get that credit card bill with 80 percent of the costs for my latest medical test. i'll find out more about that when i go back to the doctor at the beginning of may--between finals and summer school. oh joy.

and my computer is doing very weird things. alas, it's made by humans. what can i expect? and according to my CS major friends--"of course, it's windows."

grrr. . .i can't hang onto thoughts very long it seems. i should probly go to bed. in fact, i know i should go to bed. but sleeping can be boring. much more interesting to hang out online and read blogs. i'll be up late tomorrow when i'm writing english lit journals. oh well. last major project to finish and than all i have is reading to catch up on for various classes after wednesday. boy am i rambling.

sigh. i can always write again when things come back to me. watch those last thoughts hit me as i turn out the light and my head hits the pillow. . .it's been known to happen. i can find my scribblings written totally in the dark so as not to lose an idea.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:57 AM 

 

   Happy Easter!

a wonderful sunrise service--the sun even peeked out for a little bit. It's always great to go to a community service where people from all denominations gather together. and than coming back and eating breakfast and than going to sleep for another four hours.

Praise God that Christ arose--the hope after the sorrow of his death.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 3:48 PM 

 

   hmmmm, wondering what to say. . this will probly ramble off in many different directions as i am in a reflectful mood this Easter Eve. even yet i can't say everything on my mind. . .i'll save that for some time later when i put the effort into handwriting in my journal.

well it has been a fabulous--be they odd--few days. Thursday evening was wonderful with root beer floats and being introduced to G.K. Chesteron, who is now on my summer reading list. It was a lovely evening with a few good friends. then i went to go help close the coffee cart and that, well, it was obvious that i was a little deprived of sleep because I couldn't get the little things right. we finished up and then i started to head back to my room when lo and behold, i see this large group congregated out by the parking lot and road and I recognized Sholl, my roomie's voice and the hat of cowboy plus the swords of Moore. having nothing to do i meandered over and joined the crew. we headed over to quad 3, had pizza, and being as how scholl discovered i was ticklish at dinner, he and gecko had fun picking on me. scholl just likes my reactions. i finally was feeling the need for sleep around 330 so i headed back to my room and went to sleep at 430 and slept until 5. p.m. i woke up, showered, made cake, had dinner, and than spent the night until bible study actually being productive with my education project due wednesday. had an enjoyable Bible study with friends and than came back to watch movie with jenny--fell asleep and wandered to my own bed at 330. slept until noon. more homework plus some other fun browsing in the library thru old yearbooks :-D and than symphony.

it was quite fun dressing up and than going with the absolutely stunning jenny and a few handsome guys. tchaikovsky. . .ahhh, the violin concerto was utterly delightful. going to symphony always makes me a bit nostalgic though for days gone by when i did play the violin and piano. i really want to pick those up again some day, along with learning guitar. it was nice being dressed up in a dress that fits right too and my shoes didn't hurt my feet this time. i almost didn't feel like me. my roomie did a spectacular job with my hair.

mostly my reflectiveness comes from thinking about school ending so soon and the difference between this year and last year and my feelings at the end. it's been a good year overall--rough parts, but nothing like last year, at least friend-wise. this year has been, well, stable in a way. hard to describe really, unless you knew me well both last and this year. the difference has to be the strength from God. i've relied more on him this year because i was too weak to hang on by myself even with the awesome support of friends. i think last year that i relied less. but hey, that's a part of the growing cycle. next year will be so strange. . .being over halfway thru, being a different person. much as happened this year, and it seems like a long time since September.

i really can't describe totally what i'm feeling. i should really get some sleep now so i can wake up for sunrise service. God bless you my friends beyond your wildest dreams as he has done for me by placing you in my life.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:46 AM 

 

   wow. God's grace sustains. My paper is half done and journals are probably at about the same level. It'll be a long day tomorrow. . .today. . .into thursday. . . The devo I had tonight in Issues went off fairly well if i say so myself but most importantly it was a lot of fun and i think the setup actually improved discussion and stuff in the class. i like the real-case scenario bit.

i amaze myself sometimes getting into things. . .it's supposed to be short and simple but i just wanna jump into it all and read it all. I have a growing list of reading material for the summer. Pascal is now on the list. He's a quotable kind of guy and has some pretty cool philosophical and theological stuff, plus he was a mathematician, a brilliant one at that! I felt pretty good today and i had a wonderful dinner of Bodacious BBQ. it felt satisfying and nutrional and worthwhile to my stomach. sigh. should be grateful for what we do have. . .but. . . .

i'll post pascal tomorrow maybe. if i get my paper done without falling asleep on my keyboard tomorrow night. . . but for tonight i wish to post one of my current favorite songs (i have a lot but this one never fails to get me.)

"I Run" by Forty Days
I’ve never had a day like this
When things become so clear and I can feel You here
I’ve never had to pray like this
It’s all that I can do to see me through the fear
But when my faith begins to fail me
And I can’t find my way

I run, I fall, into the arms of my Father
To a love like no other
I walk, I crawl, it doesn’t matter how I get here
Only that I can be here at all

Now all that seems to crowd my mind
Is how can I be strong and how do I move on
But I know You will never fail me
You will be my way when

I run, I fall, into the arms of my Father
To a love like no other
I walk, I crawl, it doesn’t matter how I get here
Only that I can be here at all

I will call upon You, Lord
You are worthy to be praised
So shall I be saved
I will call upon You, Lord
You are worthy to be praised
So shall I be saved.

I run, I fall, into the arms of my Father
To a love like no other
I walk, I crawl, it doesn’t matter how I get here
Only that I can be here at all

I hope that encourages someone else out there. how awesome it is that we can run to our Father God and let ourselves rest in his arms, know that Daddy is going to make everything better and make the bad stuff go away so we can continue to play. It's so easy to forget, so easy to put off God so that I can sleep or do homework, post on the forums. God is to be my sole priority and everything should be a subpoint of him.

I'm starting to feel the need for sleep. God bless you today.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 2:15 AM 

 

   please continue to hold in your prayers Randy, his family, the other families of those who died, as well as all their friends.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:16 AM 

 

   hmm. ..it's hard to really explain what's going on with me right now. before Bible study tonight i would have been in a ranting mode of the oh so wonderful up and down cycle of my physical health. . .even in a day yet I would also give gratitude towards our awesome God who supplies the strength we need when we need it. I really hope I make it through Thursday with sleep and getting my papers done and turned in. . .i will by the grace of God and if I manage to pull of decent grades on stuff a miracles will have occurred. I'll have to play a lot of catch up this weekend though.

First let me explain a little bit of chapel. It was decent enough. Some of the stuff Katherine McCommon said really just hit me though--to the point that I wrote down on my arm "Esther 4:15" and "Jeremiah 13:1." The second i think i wrote down wrong. but the first--God's plan for Esther and that she might be in a royal position "for such a time as this" I've gone back and looked that over and caught some interesting stuff in it.

Then I was at Bible Study tonight and our leader decided to just go for worship and prayer. I really struggled through the first part of it. . .i felt so dead, so empty, so faithless. I really wasn't in the worshippful spirit. Yet I did some talking with God. Part way through our leader stopped the music and asked if anyone had a word from the Lord. The guy next to me spoke up--i'm not totally clear on what exactly--i believe forgiveness and such. I was annoyed and than even mre annoyed with myself for that kid of attitude. I kept listening though. . people started speaking to one another words that God had given them to say. i wondered about myself. I can't describe it. . .the presence of God was felt. Actually, one person did have something for me.It goes something like this.. .I'm sorry if it isn't exact but the meaning should be there as I caught it:

"God told me to tell you Anna that he has heard you prayers and to tell you to be at peace. LIke Esther he has/is preparing you for such as time as this. He will help you, be with you with what you need to do."

I looked at my arm and at the guy just floored by God. I wish i could remember exactly what was said but alas, my memoriy fails me. A resurgence of faith also came upon me, particularly regarding my physical health and knowing that God could very well heal me. I felt a warmness in the coolness of the room. I read Esther 4:14, 16:

"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such as time as this?...fast for me. Do not eat of drink for three days, night or day. I and my maids will fast as you do. When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish."

one thing that really caught me was "arise from another place." If Esther did not allow herself to be used, God would use someone else. What also caught me was how she prayed and fasted as she was about to break the law. I still can't put to words all that I am thinking, feeling. And the thoughts of--what exactly are you preparing me for God? and knowing he'll reveal that in time to me clearly. i'm sure more thoughts will come later, but alas, back to hw because I told myself I'd sleep by 230.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 1:11 AM 

 

   ahhh. . .time finally to myself for a good while. i got my paper turned into Hummel on Tuesday, now I just have to write 10 pages, single spaced on Pascal and number theory along with 9 OT Background journals before Thursday. I can do it. . .I can do it. . .GRRRR. It's been another good couple of days though.

Last night I played with incoming freshman--cheezy games bit, yelling and making my sore throat much much worse. then off i went to Bible Study and had my normal fun there, even holding Cynic's knife in my lap for an hour and his not knowing. having taken some tylenol to for my sore throat because i was in pain, i was very sleep afterward and went to bed around 2. . .after carefully avoiding one incoming freshman girl on my floor and carefully avoiding to wake the other one in my roomie's bed (my lovely lily is off to a concert in Tennesee this weekend.)

then i woke up a few hours later than i was planning on since i decided that homeworking at the library wasn't that necessary. wedding shower at 2. . . . Honors Food & Fun at 5.. . .than spent time with a friend at 8--we walked around and talked and than were invited to do some swing dancing-->. . .learned how to swing dance too! (and hoping to make that a more regular thing.)

tomorrow i get lunch with my older brother. . and then i'll come back and be productive, hoping to enjoy some of the lovely 85 degree sunny weather outside again. somehow it makes homework seem less tedious.

that's what i've been doing. thinking. . .well. . .it's been interesting. I've been doing lots of thinking about what God might be preparing me for in education as this week in political issues--vouchers. after making more than my required two posts, and basing my thoughts and feeling/reactions to other people's ideas. . .I realize a. i will pursue and get a doctorate--dissertation and all. don't know when, but i'll take it slowly. b. i'm an activist--i'm not going to just teach. there's something more (not more honorable or whatever, just more than teaching) that i'm made for. i've also done quite a bit of contemplating on my past life with my former struggles with suicide and depression. . .made myself fairly vulnerable on the forums. It's not something I'm afraid to share about anymore, there are still other things that very very few people know about me and will know, but i'm getting stronger and not as afraid to share stuff about myself.

i ask that you pray for a friend of mine--his sister, his cousin, and sister's boyfriend were killed in an explosion this weekend. They were 14, 15. That's all I know. Also being praying for a friend who got engaged today (sometimes i feel surrounded by coupled friend. . .but i guess it's just the odds and also that stage in life for a lot of people)

       <"Learning Teacher"> 12:30 AM 

 

   God is bigger than anything.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 7:46 PM 

 

   now to rant about Houston:

I hate Houston, I hate Houston in the rain, I hate Houston drivers and I hate Houston drivers in the rain. Why do people not turn their lights on when it is pouring down rain outside and why must they absolutely go 70-80 miles an hour down the interstate, zipping dangerously in and out of cars. like there really is all that much worth rushing too. maybe a few things. (laugh at this coming from someone who is notorious for her own speeding. . . ) but we're not talking about me here! i'm talking about those people who don't use common sense (at least as I define common sense) on the road, especially in rainy weather. they sure have a whole lot of faith in other drivers to slam on their brakes and that cars aren't going to be sliding/hydro-planing. but hey, God is good, I survived and it quit raining once I got out of Houston and I made pretty good time on the roads in the beautiful and warm sunshine. . .although my a/c wasn't working up to par, which i hate using because it kills gas mileage anyways.

the doctor part of it. i hate the system. i hate crappy insurance that pays only $100 for an MRI. it's insurance for college students here: i have cheap terrible insurance because i can't afford anything else. But God is good and things will be paid for in time. He always has and always will provide my familiy with what is necessary. I don't have anything official on the MRI yet--but i think it was all clear. That doesn't take me out of the search for a diagnosis though. By the way, it really is best to keep one's eyes closed during an MRI--it really is a tight tight space and there isn't a whole lot of interesting things to see anyways. I think i fell asleep at the end of mine. it was long too. . .they said it was a 45 minute thing but i think i may have been in there longer than that. it was cool--whenever i started feeling sick or ready to panic with those Satan-awful noises the machine must make--i would go thru and repeat to myself that God was in there with me (which at one point actually had the opposite effect because God is much bigger than that MRI space) and for some odd reason "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" kept going through my head. Seek Ye First did too, but Swing Low dominated really. Then i had my appt with the my doctor. . .

Well I was in the waiting room for over an hour because i was an hour early and they were running 30 min behind. than i waited some more time in the exam room--they were trying to get a verbal on my MRI. the first guy-- John Ho a "fellow" (almost doctor) was like "I agree with everything they told you during the tests in December--stay well hydrated, sensitive to low blood pressure. . .blah blah blah" What is going through my head is "Than why the hell did you guys put such a strong emphasis on my coming back down here and spending that much money on an MRI?" So he goes off and Dr Seger comes in. He has a different tale to tell. Apparently (and this is why he wanted the MRI done), my treadmill stress test was abnormal--that same electrical quirk again that wasn't supposed to be there. He honestly seems concerned about it. I don't think my life is in danger--but more the "quality of my life". Anyways. He wants to run more bloodwork and have a chest xray done. He is going through other possibilities to see if this isolated electrical quirk--and apparently is isolated in my heart--is caused by an external condition (Lyme Disease, Thyroid, Rheumatoid Arthritis. . . ) or if it's "just me". I quote Dr Seger: "What you have is highly unusual" with the stuff about my being awfully young and what not. They keep asking if I'm an athlete because apparently that's what my heart acts like (and maybe it's a combination of my height too.) I was like . . we figured out the highly unusual part last semester. He mentions the possibility of a pacemaker--worst-case scenario even. so we're back to that. I'll keep people updated as I know more. . .if I ever know more.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 7:45 PM 

 

   ok. there is so much going through this sleep-deprived, frustrated head of mine. trying to decide whether to rant on my houston trip first or rant on some other frustrations that aren't totally clear yet but might become so, at least to me, as i write.

i wish i could just start over--overhaul the entire world even. but i can't. God can and will but he wants me to use what i've got right now first. sometimes i think it'd be easier if i became a brainwashed flunkie, if i really could just sit back and let guys do all the thinking and be a happy wench in the kitchen and taking care of the kids that i bear and the house. but I don't think that God has created me to just sit back like that. I believe he has called me to something more, and I'm beginning to believe it is more than teaching. sometimes i even wonder about truth and how sometimes it seems so relative to humans, so subjective. please don't start giving me all the stuff about God being truth and all. . .I know all about that stuff. . . i just want to think and wonder right now that we still don't have something right when it comes to what is right, good, the best way to go about things. does anyone agree on anything anymore? does not everything--and i'm going to generalize with everything created by humans and of humans not God--have both a good and bad side to it, something that doesn't make it totally perfect. i hate being able to see more than one, two, three sides sometimes to an issue. i can listen to people's opinions a lot of the time, and go, oh I didn't think about that, you have a point there. maybe i just don't feel like putting forth the effort to think it through on my own. it's so easy to pass off other people's thoughts and ideas because they are "uninformed" when we don't agree with them, or when they can come back and say that we don't know what we are talking about because they had this experience or that and because it was that way for them it will probably be like that for everyone. maybe i'm taking this too much to extreme. maybe the number of hours without sleep is less for me for legal insanity. if my thoughts aren't right or worth your time you don't have to read this. everyone is blind to something i guess. maybe if we weren't blind to everything we'd be too distressed by what we saw, or be too distracted. maybe God wants us to be focused on one thing and not be distracted by other things. everything is so damned complex. now i'm beginning to understand i think those monks and nuns who go off and shut themselves away from the world. sometimes i just want to do what they did.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 7:25 PM 

 

   i''m working still on the whole template thing. . . have to play with it some. Here's an interesting thing I found in a book while researching for my Hummel paper on education in Ancient Israel:

"By 'fear of the Lord' these writers mean reverence for what is highest and best. It is a social attitude toward what is uperior. The supreme importances of this idea lies in the fact that this emotion is the beginning of all sound judgments of the value of conjduct or of things. It is, therefore, the beginning of the higher human life."

--Eby and Arrowood, The History and Philosophy of Education Ancient and Medieval, p 145

       <"Learning Teacher"> 11:00 PM 

 

   hoping new template changes go into effect and i figured it out okay. . . anybody have some good helpful programs/html for dummies kind of stuff?

       <"Learning Teacher"> 4:23 PM 

 

   well if you note the time this post is made. . it's obviously very late or very early. april has begun. i gave a devo on fear/worry wed night and now i try holding myself to the very things i talked about--trusting God and knowing he is in control, that he'll keep me safe and provide as i need when i need. i have been productive tonite. . . and still have a long way to go. thus setting the alarm on a saturday only to get up and do more homework. that isn't many hours from now but i have to sleep. at least i'm not feeling so sick anymore. . .only thing is now my stomach wants food since it didn't want anything all week basically. i really want to talk. . .but i have this sad feeling my brain is starting to shut down.

i realized tonight a lot more about my desire to teach high schoolers. i have this theory. . . that i will research more. . . that high school is that time when people really start to learn, care about thinking on their own. they're more adult like and supposed to be responsible. they also tend to get a lot less attention--except for media focus on the negative--it seems than younger kids ("awww, how cute!") I still have this feeling that I'm going to be more than a teacher though. I think a good word might be an advocate, defender. . . but of who? what? i'm not sure yet. i guess this is where i might be writing more than fiction. I also have this feeling I will pursue my doctorate, more for individual achievement than anything else.

i was just thinking about focus--and how it seems our focus is supposed to be spread out in a lot of different directions. but i just realized, our sole focus is supposed to be God. He is our only priority and than everything stems from he and his will. wait, expect, hope. faith, love, obedience. trust. i'm tired of school. . . and april will only end for me to go into a two week education class. a week a home. than summer camps until august. i keep reminding myself that as much as it'd be nice to run away somewhere and live a life of peace, rest, relaxation, no worries. . .i'm called to be where i am. to have joy no matter what the circumstances.

somebody make it all go away. . .please be praying for me this weekend, especially monday. lily and i go leave for houston sunday around 11 or so. that won't be so bad going there. but monday morning. . . first time dealing with big city traffic, unreliable car, the stress of the appt and financial things. stress is probly what is putting me there in a lot of ways.

on lighter notes. . .hootenanny was a blast and excellent work (excepting the sound. . . ) Andre's. . . i was told to expact a sadly, sweet rap or something like that. . . but wow, that was just awesome. And Becca and her crew did a fabulous job with their Phantom of the Opera. . . It was obvious that they put a lot of work into it. i promise that i'll change my template here soon. . .well eventually. . . i just have to put effort into making sure i get the links code and some of the other stuff copied over into a text file so i can put it back in once i change.

there's more i'd love to say but can't say here. i really should go to sleep now.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 4:33 AM 

 

   I'm getting Married this summer!

Hehehe. . .classic, but APRIL FOOL's! Like you really believed that one! Maybe I'll come up with something creative to do next year. . . I love music .. . and hearing old fave songs come on the radio. the Radio is so much fun because you generally don't know what might come on amidst the overplayed stuff. More than that I love my friends though and getting letters from beautiful, wonderful friends. sigh, sometimes i don't think i'll ever lose the editor in me that keeps killing redundant statements and such--yet i don't pay attention a whole lot to capitalization and such. . . weird. boy this is random.

anyways. . . today has been a decent day. other than being sick and feeling really weak and out of shape during frisbee (although i felt fine last time) I've had enough smiles to make being sick pale in comparison to the good stuffs. I'm used to being sick anyways. . . it just makes concentrating in class really hard when everything is fuzzy and one is nauseated though. sigh. not that i pay attention a whole lot in class anyways. . .

and i'm suddenly really really tired. at least i got some food down without feeling sick. chicken soup always makes me feel good oddly enuf. and as i have been reading some stuff for General Letters, I mull on some of the thoughts and theology I was taught growing up--the doctrine of the Trinity and eternal salvation. I find a lot of interest in how salvation will be completed . . .we've been given a deposit. Also, not quite that often in the Bible do you really find verses that refer to Christ and the Spirit as God. I must do more study on both sides of this. I wonder what else I have been taught and never questioned why. When I said stuff like this to my mom, she about panicked and was like "the last thing you (or we) is to turn away from God". No,I'm not anywhere near that point and never plan on being. I am God's. There is no denying God. I only wish to study, question, and search out answers to those issues that appear vaguer and grayer, that I have been taught thru mankind's interpretation and not my own.

       <"Learning Teacher"> 11:27 PM